Why Did You Stay? (3/3)

First, please never ask this question to someone who is in or has been in an abusive relationship. We have asked ourselves that question enough already. You can type that question into Google and there will be many responses as to why people stay in these relationships. I have reached a point in my recovery where I feel like I can shed light onto my answer to this.  If I am to put it simply, I stayed because I was manipulated. My weaknesses were magnified and my strengths were criticized. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy and that I was of no use to the world, so I might as well try to make my partner happy. I became co-dependent and broken in ways I didn’t know was possible. But I was strong through it all, my strength was so focused on surviving each day that I didn’t think I had any strength left to leave or to live for myself.

 

“Your Demons”

When I entered this relationship, I was in the best mental health I had been in a while. I had just left a great season in Yosemite, where I had many meaningful relationships and was proud of my athletic achievements. My amazing friends had an, “I’ve got a thing for Kari” campaign and I felt loved every day for just being me. That being said, I have struggled with maintaining my mental health for much of my life. The first time I remember hating myself I was 7 years old. I poked my eyes out of a picture of me standing with my favorite dog because I didn’t think I was worthy of being in a picture with him. I have struggled with body image and low self-esteem for much of my life. When my abuser learned of these things, he used them against me. The things he told me broke me, they put me at my lowest of lows. If we had problems in our relationship, he would constantly tell me it was “my demons” causing the problems. He would tell me it is a new life now, that things aren’t like they were. And he would also tell me that if I didn’t get help for “my demons” we would never have a successful relationship. Whenever I would have bad mental health days, he would tell me that was just me and it was my fault for not getting help. But when he would assault me or make mistakes, he would justify saying it wasn’t like him and it was out of character. So, all of my mistakes were inherently me, while his mistakes were something that the relationship was bringing out in him. We went to counselling together for a few sessions, and we focused on my mental health the whole time. There was no mention of the fighting or abuse during those counselling sessions. It just confirmed my thoughts that it was my issues causing all of the problems. I now recognize that no matter if my reactions and mental health were an issue, they NEVER justify physical and emotional abuse!

 

“Pillar of the Community”

My abuser was a pillar of our community. He comes from an absolutely amazing family, who all love and appreciate him. He has a mural painted of him to honor the amazing work he did. He would always bent over backwards and do anything for his co-workers, family and friends. But he did not do the same for me. He liked to tell me I was a priority, but his actions did not show that. When I saw how much everyone else thought he was such an amazing person, it confirmed my thoughts that I was the problem. Everyone around us would say how perfect we were and how lucky I was to have him, so I knew when he told me that “my demons” were the problem, that it was true. When your internal dialogue is self-destructive and your partner continues the same dialogue, it is almost impossible not to believe it. I wanted to “fix myself” so he would treat me as well as he did everyone else around him.

 

“Isolation”

I did not realize I was being isolated throughout the relationship because it wasn’t the typical direct orders of who I could or couldn’t hang out with. The isolation was way more indirect, in a way I did not know was happening. I didn’t realize the manipulation that was happening until looking from the outside and noticing trends in my journaling. Within the first 6 months of dating I had to decide whether I would return to Yosemite for another season of work or not. While I was making this decision, his direct conversations were that he supported whatever decision I made. After looking through my journals, I realize he would talk about one of his ex-girlfriends very frequently during this time and about how hard it was for him that she moved away then came back so often. He shared this enough that I would compare my actions to his ex-girlfriend often in my journal. He was using disapproval of others to manipulate my behavior. This happened with my friends and family as well. He would complain about seeing my family, but then be super supportive about it and make me feel bad for thinking he did not want to see them. Whenever he would be home for a few days after being gone for a few weeks, I would want some time for just the two of us, but he would constantly remind me how he never saw his friends or family either. We rarely had a few days alone without his friends or family around. When we were together, there was rarely time to see my family or friends, but then I would be made to feel guilty for not having friends. His schedule was also so unpredictable so I did not like making plans with my friends, knowing he would rather be with his if he was around. 

 

“When I got Confidence”

One summer I started training seriously for running again. The first year of our relationship I was anorexic and struggled with it for a few years. When I started training I knew I had to change my relationship with food in order to be successful. I started treating food as fuel and made sure that I was getting the necessary calories every day. I felt more confident than I had in years with myself. I was so proud of the way my body looked and even more proud of what my body was accomplishing in running. My abuser’s response to this was to try to tear down that confidence. He told me he liked me with more weight on my body and that I was being unhealthy and he was worried about me. He tried to convince me I was anorexic again and that I was overtraining. I am so glad that I had found strength through training and I would not let him tear me down like that. I refused to let him take away the one thing that was making me happy in my life. This moment was the start of me sticking up for myself and not letting him use my insecurities against me.

 

“Break down to build up”

After I agreed that I wanted to split up and file for divorce, I lived in his house for a few days. One interaction helped me make a realization about how deep the emotional manipulation was. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but he started bringing up “my demons” and talking about how he wanted to try to make it work. I knew in my mind I needed to leave and I was not changing my mind. But his words kept getting to me until I was staring down at the floor, shoulders hunched over, feeling like a piece of shit. At that moment I looked up at him and he looked so proud, standing tall, shoulders back and head high. He then grabbed my arms and forced me to hug him so he could “console me.” Memories of this happening countless times in our relationship came flashing back. There were so many times I would feel so horrible about myself with what he was telling me that I would be curled in a ball on my dog’s bed on the floor. He would then force me to my feet, grab my arms and make me hug him. I realized in this moment that he had broken me down all those times it seemed like he was “helping.” He broke me down emotionally through our entire relationship to have power over me. When I saw this, I knew I needed to move out ASAP and begin the process of divorce, and that I was never going to let anyone do that to me again. 

 

Making the decision to leave the relationship was the best decision I’ve ever made. I am still processing everything and I deal with flashbacks and PTSD all too often. But I am healing. And I see that even though I felt like I was at my weakest, I was actually strong the entire time. My strength is the only reason I am alive today and it is the reason I am able to claim my life back. My strength to talk about this will hopefully help at least one other woman to recognize that she holds the same strength in her. There is a saying that you can’t know true joy until you know true pain. I don’t necessarily agree with this. I don’t think everyone has to go through a relationship like this to appreciate a good one. No one deserves to feel the pain of a relationship like this. If this story sounds familiar to your situation please tell yourself these three things until you believe them, “It’s not normal, it’s not my fault, I deserve better.” 

I would recommend these books for anyone who may be in a similar situation as me and for anyone looking to gain insight into abusive relationships to help those around them:

 

I recognize the next step is to seek counseling so I can learn to cope with the flashbacks and PTSD. Self-discovery has helped me come a long way. I would not be where I am today with the supportive people I have in my life. First, my sister Andrea, Brother-in-law Chris and then almost 2-year-old niece opening up their house for me to live for 5 months was crucial in my recovery. It took me a little while to open up about the abuse, but they knew immediately that if I was leaving the relationship it was for the best. And the energy of spending time each day with a toddler will definitely help put life in perspective for you. Being able to be open and honest with my sister and brother-in-law was exactly the support I needed. They never judged and let me process when I was ready and needed to. My parents were very supportive and their love for me is unconditional. My friends have also been an incredible and unconditional support system. Even though I was not that present for a few years, their love for me has never changed. My dog, Fred, has been my right-hand man through this all. He is the only witness of the abuse that happened. On the nights I was physically assaulted he would lay at my feet until I fell asleep, and he never slept on the bed then. He is in tune with my emotions and although he isn’t a cuddler, he will give me snuggles when he knows I need them. And lastly, running has given me so much purpose. It was with the confidence and support of my coach, Kevin Barda, that I was able to start competitively running again. While he doesn’t know that the confidence he provided for me saved my life, it showed me I still had some residual strength left in to me to live for myself. I carry that on now, and have a lot more strength to focus on myself and my training since I don’t have to worry about surviving each day anymore. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. By the end of today I will have run a 50-mile loop through the High Sierra. It was the last big run I did before I entered this abusive relationship. And now I am able to do it again, even stronger than before. I am proud of myself and what I am accomplishing, and I know I am just starting to realize my true potential. My confidence is the highest it’s been in my entire life. I AM and ALWAYS have been a strong, powerful and independent woman! If you feel like you are at your lowest, continue using your strengths to survive. But also try to find another outlet for the strength you have left. It is in you! Keep fighting and you will see the light again. It is never too late to change a situation. Rely on your support network, they want to be there to lift you up! Live with passion and put your joy and happiness first! 



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